I completely forgot

Yesterday when I was so upset I didn't even write what I had intended to write.  Yesterday was my brothers birthday, this is the brother that Owen is named after.  Owen Christoper named after my brother Christopher Lee.  I love Christopher so much.  I am so grateful for my brother.  It is because of him that I have such a strong belief, testimony and knowledge of the plan of salvation.  I have never met Christoper but I look forward to the day when I will see him. 

Christopher was born about 3 months early and died 3 days after he was born.  He would have been 34 years old yesterday.  Ever since I was little I have just loved my brother.  I have always felt a special connection to him.  I know it's weird since he died before I was born, but it is true.  I think of him like my guardian angel. 

My parents only had one picture of him and I loved just looking at it.  When I looked at it my heart would hurt thinking of how sad it must have been for my parents to lose a child.  I would hurt thinking of a baby dying and what he must have felt.  I would hurt thinking of the life that he could have had.  I imagined that he would have been tall like my brother Drew but skinny like my brother Ben (Drew, you aren't fat, Benj is just super skinny).  But then I always felt happy and comforted thinking that God must have needed him in heaven and that he was a special angel.  Every now and then I would go find the picture and just stare at it thinking of those things.  I am ashamed to admit that sometime between middle school and high school I think I lost the photo.  We can't find it now and I know that I was the one that would look at it most often.  I don't know what happened to the photo and losing it breaks my heart.  I'm sorry mom and dad for losing that one physical image that we had of Christopher. 

So since I don't have a picture of Christopher I am going to post some pictures of Owen.  These pictures were taken right before Owen turned 1.  They are my favorite pictures of him.  I want Owen to be proud of who he is named after.  He is named after a very important person in my life.  

 

Life

I have been a CRANKY beast today.  Like so bad that I am ashamed with how I have acted.  This has lasted all day long and I think it wore off onto my kids.  When I woke up I thought it was because they were tired and cranky so I was cranky.  Wrong.  I realize now that they were cranky because I was cranky.  This is not a good start to my week.  This is what I call my long week at work.  I work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  My only day off is Wednesday.  As much as I just want to have a nice relaxing day that day I think there will be other plans.  I was just on facebook and one of my co-workers said that both her babysitters had the flu.  My progression of thoughts went like this:  that really sucks for her, and then my next thought, you should help her out and say that you can babysit on Wednesday.  Wait, WHAT?!  What am I thinking?  I have a crazy busy schedule this week.  Wednesday is my only day off to decompress (especially with how much of a beast I am right now, that's really what I need....right?!)  As I'm having this internal debate my last thought was service is always hard, but it always makes me feel better and isn't that really what I need right now is to feel better.  SO....I'm babysitting a baby that is about 3 weeks younger than Kenzie.  Am I crazy?  I think so.  Hopefully it will be a fun day and I can handle it.  But this is the first time I have truly felt happy all day today.  Let the adventures begin. 

I love my kids so much and I'm so sorry that I acted horribly towards them.  I never realized that being a mommy means that you apologize, A LOT.  I always thought that it was the other way around.  Boy was I wrong. 

So on a happy note.  This past Saturday was one of the best days that we have had in a long time.  We decided it was going to be a family day.  We slept in a little (bless my husbands heart who took the kids in the morning so I could sleep, even though he is the one that was more deserving of a sleep-in), got ready (while I got ready Joe cleaned-have I mentioned HOW LUCKY I AM!), ran a couple errands, ate lunch at Zupas and then went to the zoo!  It was such a beautiful day that Joe and I even wore shorts.  Everyone else had the same idea to go to the zoo that I think it took us about 30 minutes to find a parking spot.  That did not deter us.  Owen loved the Elephants with the mommy, daddy and baby elephant.  He enjoyed the seals and the polar bear.  We decided to splurge and get tickets to the carousel.  Owen did not like that part.  When we were looking at the monkeys I realized that Kenzie had pooped, and not just pooped but exploded.  My children have that problem of not keeping their poop in their diapers when they are infants.  I'm sick of poop everywhere, but that is another story for another day.   Anyway, we did not have any extra clothes for her, but luckily it was down her legs and not up her back.  Thank goodness we had the idea to put her in my sweater jacket. I put her little legs in the sleeves, zipped it up and wrapped it around.  She looked a little silly in the baby bjoern with her legs kicking and the sleeves way beyond her feet but it kept her warm.  Success.  After we got home, we needed to go to the grocery store.  To keep it a family day we all went and I think that was most well behaved the kids have ever been at the store.  We went to Blockbuster and rented Wreck it Ralph. We made dinner, put a blanket on the floor, ate dinner and watched the movie.  This was such a wonderful day.  It was a day that truly made me realize how grateful I am for my sweet little family. 

Well, there you have it........the good, the bad and the really ugly!

Adrianna took this picture yesterday.  Don't you just love Kenzie's smile?  She has the best smile.  I love how she scrunches her nose.  I love how happy Owen is.  I love that he has his arm around her.  I feel that he is showing how much he loves her but is also being very protective.  I always wanted a boy first so that he could be the protective older brother.  I think I lucked out. 

Today

For some reason I feel off today.  I feel sad.  I think it is because it was a beautiful day and I didn't take Owen out.  I feel guilty.  It is not for lack of trying.  Owen wasn't listening to me and I was hoping by threatening to not play outside that he would do what I was asking him to do.  However, he did not listen so I couldn't back down on my word and we did not get to play at the playground.  I will make sure that we get to play outside tomorrow.   

I also think I am sad because yesterday I had work off and today I had to work.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  Ok maybe I don't always love my job but I really love all of the people that I work with and they make coming to work a fun thing for me.  Sometimes I even have the working-mommy-guilt thing where I am happy to go to work and get away from the kids.  But not today.  Today I wish that I could be eating dinner with my family and kiss my kids goodnight and actually get to see Joe for longer than 15-30 minutes in a day. 

I guess since we are already on this sad note, I will say that I wish I could be a stay home mom but work part time because I chose to work.  I think I will always enjoy working and getting out of the house but I wish that I could work less hours.  Oh well, this is the stage of life that I am in right now.  When Joe and I got married we knew that he would be in school for a long time and felt that I could help to support our family by working full time.  Yes, perhaps it was crazy having 2 kids so close together but I knew I didn't want to wait for when Joe was done with school.  I will also say I will not change anything.  I love my kids and CANNOT imagine not having them in my life right now.  Life is hard.  We all have our little (sometimes big) bag of challenges.  I don't want the trials that other people go through and they don't want the trials that I go through.  Honestly, I just wish we were done with the Joe in school phase.  I wish he was in his career.

On a happy note I got some nice snuggle time with Owen today.  He really doesn't like to snuggle and I got some with him in the morning.  I found a baby teething biscuit recipe online so while Kenzie was sleeping Owen and I were able to make those.  It was so fun having him as my little helper.  Kenzie is really struggling with eating solids, so it was a little early with these biscuits but I froze them hoping I can use them when she is ready. 

Oh!  I was able to get some cute pictures on my phone of the kids.  Kenzie is sitting up a lot better these days. Sometimes she will do a nice little face-plant but not so today and I got these fun photos:

Kenzie's hair used to stand up naturally but it doesn't do that anymore.  It is standing up because yesterday her hair was in a cute little ponytail and this is her bedhead!  Gotta love it!

I'm on a roll

I was on pinterest today and I noticed that my sister-in-law Penny pinned this quote:

"Ask yourself, 'How did God bless me today?' If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life.” 
                                                                               -Henry B. Eyring

So I decided that I will do just that today.  I will think of how I have been blessed by God today.  Today the sun was shining and I wore short sleeves to work!  Because the sun was shining I took Owen and Kenzie to our apartment park.  I loved seeing Owen climb on the playground and even interact with a little girl.  This is huge because I feel that sometimes he is so shy and does not interact well with other kids.  Even though neither child took a nap for me I did get a gem of a quote from Owen that would not have happened had he slept.  I was planning on showering while the kids were asleep, but that didn't happen.  I put my hair that comes out on the wall and then throw it away so it doesn't clog the drain.  When I was done Owen came running into the bathroom.  He looked at the wall before I had a chance to throw it away and said "Mommy hair on the wall?"  I replied yes it is, to which he replied "Eww, gross".  This all coming from a little boy that for so long has been my silent observer and I worried about him putting sentences together.  I'm so grateful that he is speaking in sentences.  

When I was trying to get them to nap Kenzie started crying.  I was hoping that she could cry it out but that was a lost cause when I heard Owen yelling at her, "Kenzie!  Stop crying!"  I waited a little bit but Kenzie wouldn't stop crying and what I found in the room was precious.  Owen had gone over to her crib and was trying to calm her down.  Luckily, this time he had decided not to yell at her.  I am one lucky mommy!

I am so grateful for technology.  I live far away from my family and sometimes it is a difficult thing.  Even though I am approaching my thirties there are times that I just need my mom and dad.  Because I don't get to see them I am so grateful I can talk to them on the phone.  I call my mom every day on my way to work.  What a blessing it is to have my mom be my best friend.  Yes, sometimes we drive each other nuts but she will always be there for me.  On that same note, Joe and I don't see each other often since we have completely opposite work schedules (we did this on purpose so that we would not put our children in day care), however because of that it can sometimes be hard on our marriage.  I am so grateful that each day between 11 and 1130 I know that Joe will call me on his lunch break.  It is a highlight of my day.  I also love being able to call him on my dinner break.  

We are not alone in this world.  Sometimes life is hard and sometimes it isn't.  I am grateful for my understanding and knowledge that there is a God and that He loves all of us.  We all will go through hard times but that doesn't mean God has left us.  We just need to keep thinking positive and we can see the little blessings that surround us.


Big deal here folks!  This picture was taken by ME, but just from my cell phone. 

I finally did it!

I have been contemplating starting a blog for a long time.  There have been many reasons why I have procrastinated this new adventure.  The first and foremost is this blog is not one that will have lots of pictures, it truly is the thoughts of me.  Perhaps this is my way of having a journal......but instead of it being private it is for the world to see.  Or it might be that this is a way for people to see the real me, the good, the bad and the ugly.  That can be daunting but it can be exciting.  Probably the real reason that I have not started a blog is pure laziness. 

I love seeing how other people share their lives through blogs, I love looking at pictures of the adventures that people share through something so simple as the internet.  That is not me.  I am not a photographer nor will I ever be.  I have no passion for that.  If I ever post pictures on here, guaranteed I did not take them.  Instead I am a bookworm at heart.  I dream of writing.  I would love to write a book, but I have no idea as to what I would write about.   So I will do the next best thing and start a blog.  :)

I have been thinking a lot about talents.  All my life I have felt that I am lacking in the talent area.  I am mediocre with a lot of things and I don't feel that there is one thing that I am fabulous at.  Now this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, just my thoughts.  I must admit that I struggle with comparing myself to others.  I look around me and I see people so full of wonderful talents.  I see those that are artistic-photograhy, musical gifts, crafts, building things, sewing things, all you DIY-ers out there...you know who you are.  I see those that are so intellectual, math and science are a snap-perhaps not a snap but your brain can comprehend.  Those that can cook-I can follow a recipe but I burn things, I don't know what flavors go well together and I probably wouldn't last as a cook because I don't like cheese that much ( and I despise bleu cheese).  Dancers, need I say more.  I dream of being a break dancer or a hip-hop dancer, I would love it!

So I think, what am I good at?  I have asked my husband Joe many times.  One time I think he responded by saying I was kind.  Sometimes I am, and sometimes I am not.  Just the other day I was putting my 2 year old down for a nap.  I told him to be really quiet because my 7 month old was already asleep in their room.  Of course being an energetic little boy, quiet is not in his vocabulary.  Of course he woke his sister up and it made me mad.  I only had limited time to get ready for work (I work at a hospital from 3pm-11pm 4 days a week) and I lost my cool over a silly little stunt like that.  I clenched my fists and in an angry mom voice whispered "I'm so mad right now".  Then there are times that I can be fun.  I will put Owen on my back, make sure to tell him he holds on tight as it feels like he strangles me, pick up Kenzie and we dance to Pitch Perfect.  That is when I feel pure joy and feel like I am in my element.  I feel like 50% or less of the time I am on the path of being the happy mom that I really want to be and 50% or sometimes more I'm not that happy, patient caring mom and person that I want to be. 

Perhaps at this stage of life of working and trying to be a mom, wife and find time to know me it is ok to not be that perfect talented woman that dream of being.  Sometimes a successful day is a day that I can put in the past and know that I survived and I'm lucky to have another day to try and be better.  Being better from one day to the next is what I need to strive towards, not being perfect or super talented.  Finding joy in the little things is what really matters. 


Here is a picture of my sweet family, courtesy of my sister-in-law Adrianna.